What if I told you...

What if I told you?

Today was your last day

That this will be the last sunrise you will ever see

You might actually observe it, the colors merging together

The palette of grays becoming one with the sun

Ever changing as you breathe

And presence its transformation into a whole new day

What if I told you?

Today was the last time

 Your feet will walk through earth

Where would you go? What would you do?

Would you run or would you kneel?

Would you dance or crawl breaking into tears?

What if I told you?

Today was the last day

You will open your eyes

What would you see?

Would you discover the beauty?

So many times you didn’t have time to see

Would you see the leaves?

Dancing under the wind’s eternal pace

What if I told you?

Today was the last day

You could talk and speak

Would you sing? Or would you cry?

Would you whine asking why?

Or would you say thanks for what you could say in the past.

Let’s just assume

This was a game

And that this is actually not your last day

Would you still wake up tomorrow?

Rushing through life

Dragging your feet

Stressing over the traffic, the weather,

The way your kids scream and are messy.

Or would you look up to the sky

Enjoying the birds, the rainbow, the rain

Would you hold your loved ones tight?

And let them know you love them to the sky.

Play this game every night

End your day feeling grateful for all

The blessings, hidden treasures, kisses and hugs

The disguised opportunities, the joy in the small.

Close your eyes feeling fulfilled and content

So in case you actually take your last breath

There is nothing but a smile left on your serene face.

The rhythm of my heartbeat

A year and a half ago I was in three times a week rehearsals for The Nutcracker. It was a small production of the dance academy I was taking classes in, with teenage girls in high school and college. I did not care, and they did not care that I was almost twenty years older than them… we shared the same love for dancing and the same passion of the heart.

The rehearsals took about two hours and I was simultaneously taking ballet technique and pointe classes almost daily, combined with a few of jazz and contemporary classes. I was over the moon, admired by how quickly my technique was improving, how much more confident I felt doing double and triple pirouettes and jumping from corner to corner doing grand jetes as the ballerinas I had admired for my whole life.

Until one day, warming up for my class I started feeling my back stiffer than usual and looked for the right angles and positions, but it never felt ok that Thursday afternoon. Friday was my day off and I had a hard time walking on my way to visit my brother and could not bear to carry my one year old nephew. Saturday morning, I could not get out of bed and I knew immediately that something was really really wrong.

I tried not to freak out, and decided to pay for an MRI of my lower back not covered by my insurance so I could get the results ASAP, and when I finally got them one week later, it was just a confirmation of what I was already fearing deep down, I had herniated a lumbar disc, and the damage was so bad (85% of it was pinching the nerves on my spine) that the pain would not subside in any position, day or night.

Due to insurance policies and bureaucracy, I spent 6 months enduring chronic pain while struggling to get tests, specialist diagnostics and making long lines and endless phone calls trying to push every single appointment closer than what had been assigned. It was an agonizing process… I finally had a very elusive authorization for a surgery that required my two vertebras to be fused and a recovery time I knew was going to be longer than I would have wanted.

It was a test to my strength. I was physically, mentally and spiritually challenged. I went through all the phases a very active person faces when injured: I was extremely mad, upset and disappointed for what my body had done to me, I felt as if it had let me down and did not understand why me! I was depressed for a while, thinking why all my hard work, discipline and dedication had ended in such a sudden and sad way, and finally, little by little, I started looking for the answers within myself, instead of pointing fingers and feeling like the victim.

I went through a very deep introspection time, in which I realized my body had not let me down. I had abused of it and had not heard its signs when it had whispered, talked and finally yelled compelling me to stop and listen. I had trained hard but not smart. I was not giving it enough time to recover from sessions and I was pushing it to its limits in every single class.

It was hard to be in pain 24/7 for six months. I exiled my husband to the sofa because I needed the space to be able to move and turn constantly as I would never feel comfortable during the night. I was sleeping 3 to 4 hours every night, waking up every hour to change positions. My husband or my mom had to be with me all the time, since I needed help to do the simplest things. I could not drive my car, load the groceries or push the grocery cart. I went from working out 20 or more hours a week to struggle to walk around the block.

I learned during that time that I was resilient. That I could be positive throughout it all, that I could and would work with what I had and that I would not give up. I tumbled, I tripped, I kneeled, but I always stood up and kept going. I am proud of the inner strength I found and I am also proud of the spiritual side of me that woke up.

I became more aware of my blessings, I was grateful for the small gifts of nature and life and I believed that I would be better and that I would dance again one day, and that when that day came I would savor and enjoy every second of it and that I would take care of my wise body.

My must humble moment came a week before my surgery was scheduled. I was barely hanging in there, trying to take as little medication as I could, since its long term side effects had been grueling for my digestive system. I was counting the hours to the day I would be free from pain again, when I received a dreaded phone call. My surgery was postponed because my surgeon was on vacation. ON VACATION!!! I was beyond myself… I could not believe I had to endure other 15 days not sleeping and living as I was, it felt as if I was a marionette and my strings had just been cut loose… the rug under my feet was pulled and I just broke down. I screamed, cried and yelled in frustration feeling I truly could not take it anymore! I cried until my tears dried and sobbed until my voice faltered, and in that moment I knew I had to be strong. I did not have another option. If this was happening to me was because there was a lesson I still had not learned.  I was not alone and there was a reason for every single thing that was happening. I stood up and went for a very long walk; I dug deep and found a light in my heart that convinced me I was strong enough. That I could do it.

I finally had my surgery performed by my very tanned and well rested neurosurgeon and the recovery and rehabilitation process was very slow. I spent the first 10 days in bed not able to move without agonizing pain and little by little gained my strength back.

In a month I was already walking up and down the stairs and my doctor was amazed by my speedy recovery and positive attitude, I thanked him for performing such a great job, knowing that I had prayed seconds before being sedated the words my mom had told me before entering to surgery:  God’s hands will work through him, and miracles will happen.

That was seven months ago already and this month I got back to my first ballet class after surgery. The moment I stepped into my new studio (I also changed countries and turned my life upside down during this recovery time) I felt right back at home.

My heart began singing the moment I put my leotard again and stood in front of the barre performing the demi plie sequence. I am filled with joy and gratefulness for my healthy reinforced back, for the opportunity to be back doing what I love the most and for the amazing teacher that understands my needs and modifies the exercises so I can perform them as safely as possible.

I love every cell of my body, how well it works and heals and how kind it has been for giving me a second chance to dance to my very own rhythm once again. 

Banish the numbness

Live now or die wishing

Act today or drown below your longing

Let the chords of the instrument called life vibrate within you, and remind you what your existence really means

Let the pain remind you of the freedom

Let the sorrow remind you of the joy

Let the memories bring you back to life

Guaranteeing the existence of a happy place that is anchored deep within you without a specific time or space

Where being alive is worth it,

Where there are no masks, no false pretenses and no inadequacy.

A place so magical, so colorful, so complete and bright that you feel a rainbow  exploding within your soul,  showing you the very source of the treasure, where the true essence really lies…

Wake up;

From the comfort of being numb, from all the layers of protection you have created for yourself, from curiosity in a state of hibernation, from the heaviness of inaction and lack.

Open your eyes, alert your senses, remember what it feels like to dance under the rain, to have a tiny hand wrapping your finger and conquer your heart with an eye blink, let the vibrations of music touch your soul so deeply that your body can’t help but spin and twirl with it, let the snow melt with the warmth of your cheeks and the cool air of a winter night penetrate deep into your lungs so you can feel a waterfall of ice filtering thru your pores, kiss with passion and tenderness, kiss because you want to taste the fruity flavor of a loving heart

Feel it all:  

Let a bad joke steal you a burst of laughter, and let the blues of a song touch your spirit and bring tears attached to memories and heartbreak, let it all be… release the cold, heavy armor of indifference and let yourself be wowed by the perfect miracles in the microscopic and monumental creations of Nature.

Admire yourself as a beautiful creature, unique and special not despite, but because of every single peculiarity, scar, and attribute.

Go ahead, open the door and get out, give the first step to live the life you want and deserve. There is no right or wrong, no map, no failure, no judgment, just a blank canvas waiting to be painted and created from scratch.

Silence and my heart's home

In a peaceful, happy state of mind, silence is liberating, it reconnects us with the Universe and our surroundings. It is calm, love, joy, reflection and spirituality combined. It reminds us of our mortality only to bring promises of transcendence and legacies. It is a shelter, an escape from the world and its speediness and hurries. It is a blanket that covers us, hugging us with peace, warm confidence of who we are and where we are heading.

 In a troubled, sad state of mind, silence is deafening, it screams our insecurities back and remind us of our weaknesses and failures. It is a straitjacket that confuses our minds with mental tricks luring us to dark, scary places from where we might not be able to escape. It becomes a nasty loud voice that screams horrible things, of who we are, who we are not and who we will never be. It makes us second guess every single inch of our basic essence. It removes the sense to our lives and leads us to the edge of a bottomless pit.

  

I drown on thin air; struggle to find my voice, my north, my sense… I breathe underwater, where I am finally free, always me, no pretentions, no listening ears, and no scrutinizing eyes. Just me and a place where there is no up, no down, no right, no wrong. I can scream and cry, and my voice gets muffled between bubbles, my tears become the water that allows me to submerge… I am one with my surroundings, and I do not have to pretend to be anything I am not… this is the place I can call home.

The Multitasking extinction

When was the last time you ate your meal without looking through your phone’s messages, updating facebook status or reading the latest tweets or flipboards?

If you are a more conventional multitasker, when was the last time you ate by yourself without reading a book, a magazine article, even the cereal box or checked your correspondence?

We all have fallen for the modern panacea of multitasking. The more tasks we get to do at the same time, the more accomplished and productive we feel.

I read an article the other day, curiously during my lunch break, regarding the lie behind the so called multitasking. Different studies have shown that the brain can only focus in one task at a time, and when we attempt to do two or more things at the same time, our brain switches attention back and forth between activities, usually with the cost of low performance… we attempt to do so much, that we actually do not do anything to a 100%.

And while performance does not really matter for activities such as eating, walking or reading, it plays a major role during work hours or performing tasks such as driving or operating equipment and machinery.

And although productivity and efficiency are two major issues during this analysis, I want to focus right now in something a little simpler; something that multitasking has robbed us of: the pleasure of enjoying the NOW.

I attempted the experiment of eating breakfast on my own for a whole week trying to not do anything other than being mindful about the food and the eating experience.

The first day, I was completely restless; I took my phone a couple of times and put it back just to end up chatting with my mom on whatsapp. The next day, I began the meal with a different approach, I expressed my gratitude for the food in front of me and started enjoying the color and texture of it, I did not do it during the whole time, but I enjoyed my breakfast and felt satisfied by the end of it, and day after day it became so much easier to be present in that simple ritual. I started noticing the different flavors of all the ingredients; I looked out and realized how blue the sky was and how beautiful the light was refracting through the window. I became completely aware of myself and my surroundings and started looking forward to the moment I would sit to just have breakfast by the end of the week.

On my last vacation visiting my dad, we planned a one day trip to West Palm Beach. We packed bread, turkey breast and cheese, hummus and some green veggies to make our lunch on the go. As we stopped in a bench close to the marina, I started preparing our sandwiches, while listening to the birds, the sound of the waves and absorbing the smell of the ocean nearby, then my dad and I sat next to each other enjoying the present moment to its fullest, and I still have that memory engraved deep in my brain, because it has been one of the most special and spiritual moments we have shared as father and daughter, we laughed and observed the birds nearby... and we actually turned such a simple moment into a magic mental picture of peace and joy.

And although it might be hard to try to be completely present and do one task at a time always, it is nice to take a break from time to time to enjoy simple things: the wind in our face, the shape of a flower, the dimple’s on our children’s cheeks or the way our partner’s eyes change color with the light.

I invite you to put your cell phone down for a few minutes today and really taste the crispy sound and the juicy flavor of an apple bite.

Enjoy!  

A Generation of Love

Amidst the social media, the constant flow of information telling us what to think, what is IN and OUT, what is pretty or not, we get lost in the middle of it and we wonder where we are when we compare ourselves to it all.

Does not looking like a 6’ model make me ugly? Does it make me less lovable? Less desirable? Less fashionable?
Does it make her better than me? We are questioning ourselves constantly, feeling like we are not enough, because how can we be enough if we are so different.

We hate ourselves for not looking like them, and hate them for looking like they do. And we all become bullies. The anonymity of online forums encourages us to vent all our frustration and point the negative feelings in a hostile trend. We use harsh words against people; say things we would never be able to tell to each other’s faces, we use negative and destructive criticism, and let anger and aggression occupy a large percentage of our brain every single day.

What would happen if we stopped the comparison game?  If we look at ourselves in the mirror and start feeling blessed for all the features that make us special, different and beautiful in our own quirky way instead of being obsessed with what we call flaws.

What if you open a magazine and start looking at the celebrities and stars as the person next door, real people with real insecurities, appreciate how beautiful their eyes are, or their sense of style, or the self-confidence they project.

If we send loving thoughts and become compassionate to one another, we could actually change the world. I already made the conscious decision of changing mine at least, Because I want my niece to grow up in a placewhere she has the freedom to be herself, loving her body and all the things it does for her and appreciating every single thing that makes her so special.
I like how it feels to live in a kind atmosphere, in a thoughtful mind. Being benevolent to myself and others as much as I can, has made me realize how we are all made of the same matter, it gives peace to my life and it makes me powerful to feel I am in charge of the path I walk. And don’t get me wrong, I am not a monk, I still feel jealousy from time to time, but the difference is that I do not let it rule my thoughts, and do not let it transform into a sense of self incompetence.

Living this way has made me fearless of expressing my true self, of shining bright and unapologetically with my own truth. There will always be haters, but their existence no longer discourages me to try new things, to show myself and to be proud of who I am. As long as we do not threat each other’s freedoms, there is enough room for us all in this wide world; there is space for all our ideals to live respectfully in harmony. I do not have to agree with everyone and everyone does not have to agree with me, we can have intellectual disagreements that bring light to the issue. Let’s go back to the habit of debating with arguments and listening with open minds.

If we want something, call it flat abs, a healthy body, money, style, let’s work for it, do what we have to do to get it, eat right, exercise, be proud of the persons we are, of our roots and true essence, and let’s be inspired by those who already achieved the goals we are working towards.

Remember that there is a thing called free will. We are enabled to it and we should make use of it. If we do not like someone, because we don’t agree with his thoughts, ideals or life choices, be free to change the channel, block, unsubscribe, unfollow or unfriend,  there are so many options to simply do not get updates nowadays. We have the right to disagree, and we have the right to dispute, we have the right to discuss and we have the right to provide positive feedback, which is the one tool that always makes us improve and soar to new heights. But let’s not choose to destroy with our words, let’s use them as building blocks instead of ammunition, always thinking before writing, taking the time to analyze the impact our message will carry.

I want to be part of a generation of love and leave the bullies behind, substitute admiration for jealousy and inspiration for resentment. It is never too late to start pointing in a new, more positive direction in which we encourage instead of bring each other down.